3am carrot and mayonaise revision.

Its been a while! But with a good excuse. My poor laptop has gone to laptop heaven, and I hate using the home computer.
But desperate times call for desperate measures.

Its a bit of a stupid time to be blogging, I know, but I just cant focus on my revision. I have a product design written paper.. well tomorrow now, and I'm revising like mad, but I have so much else running through my mind at the moment..

Spoke to the Polar Bear earlier, whom I miss very much. They said some things that made me contemplate how I've been lately, and I think I've realised something.


'No relationships are ever finished, just abandoned..'
Comes from a cute little song by Paulson called Window Frames, but sums up everything I feel at the moment.
I'm making myself very ill over a past relationship with a guy I still have strong emotions towards and I thought that if he gave me some kinda reason why nothing would ever happen again, I could finally move on.

But he can't. And so my feelings remain.

At 15 I shouldn't be getting so worked up over a relationship, or over feelings. The fact that I am, annoys me.

I've been spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts. Endless hours watching Twilight films, playing guitar, walking my dog with headphones blaring.. I took a train into town just for the journey and sat in Bristol library for hours. I haven't spoken to many people - I haven't wanted to. My mum and brother have been getting really annoyed that I go out for the whole day 'with friends' rather than doing things with them.

But I prefer life that way.

At the moment my own company is all that makes me happy. I don't have the will power to do much else or the want to talk to anyone or to be sociable. And to any of my friends reading this, I apologise for that. But sometimes you reach a point in your life where your troubled thoughts and self esteem to match needs to be lonely.

Lonely with time to contemplate. Contemplate the past, the future, the present. Contemplate your priorities. Contemplate your wants from your wishes.


But through everything, time alone to contemplate the path you wish to take.
Sadly, I'm yet to decide that path.

I'm happy sitting on trains, just because I enjoy the feeling of escape I get. I enjoy sitting in my room with my guitar, writing songs about hearbreak and shedding the occasional tear. I love walking alone through a feild in the sun, day dreaming while listening to Hearing Damage for the billionth time.

So for now blogs will be rare. Especially on the fashion and beauty front. But with good reason for their rarity.




Its been a while. But with good excuse..
xox